Restoran Resepi Kak Siti 🙂 a promo

A day after Teh, our beloved cat died T__T

Last week, me, ibu and ayah went to Shah Alam to attend a wedding ceremony.
we spent a night in a hotel in shah Alam. That night, Alip, my brother came to join us.
For dinner, we went out, and Alip, who knows by heart every angle in Shah Alam (he was previously accountancy student in UiTM shah alam and currently works there), suggested a restaurant, where, according to him, serves good food very quickly.
Of course, we agreed without any objection.
I asked him, how come the restaurant can serve food very quickly?
He said, cuz there are very few customers who eat there at any one time.
Why? I asked again.
With a grin on his face, he said, “You’ll know when we get there”

So with this puzzle we went to the place. I am not sure, but i think it’s in section 7 in shah alam, might be wrong, but it is a area full of restaurants and eateries! like at least 3 dozens of them, all in just few blocks of building. there are just too many restaurants serving all kinds of food. you name it, you get it; malay food, indian food, chinese, arabs, western, traditional, modern, steam boat, cafe, etc etc etc…

i think it’s because of its close prximity to UiTM shah Alam which houses about 20000 students from various different courses. So these students are the main customers for all these restaurants, and subhanallah, each and every single one of these restaurants was full with students, except, only one, which was the restaurant we were heading to!

The name of the restaurant: Restoran Resepi Kak Siti

Exactly as Alip has mentioned earlier, the restaurant was almost empty. Besides us, there were only 3-4 other customers eating there despite the restaurant’s capacity that can hold up to 30-40 customers at a time. The restaurant was clean, and was decorated very nicely. And as Alip had promised, the food was served very quickly and there was nothing wrong with the food. They were fine and very nice.  We enjoyed them.

The reason why there were very few customers was because the restaurant imposed some ‘rules’ to her customers. Some of the rules were; every customer who eats there must wear proper attire that covers their aurat, class discussion is not allowed there (i think to prevent mixing of boys and girls), customer must not bring food from outside and must take their rubbish together with them when they leave and few more.

Some of the rules I dont really understand their purpose but most of them are intended to prevent people from making dosa and to encourage people to come back to islam! and how very little people were able to do this! hence the shop is always empty. Sad.

So here i’m promoting this retaurant, if you do come to shah alam go and eat there. bring your family and friends along. Lets support them, they are really testifying that rezeki is totally in Allah’s hand and mercy. not on ours.

The Married Life

Alhamdulillah, we’ve been married for almost 2 months :)
Marriage is a great thing, it brings lots of joy and happiness. I feel so blessed.

hee. 🙂 🙂 🙂

I dont have to describe the sort of happiness and positive changes it brings, as most people, have already known that.
Even for those who arent married yet, must have heard, been told, or at least imagined the good things  of being husband an wife brings. Although,  i know, on this matter, people (especialy and excusively maybe? for those who arent married yet) just like to read or hear again and again  the same stories about marriage as it triggers some sort of pleasurable feeling.

sorry to spoil your day. haha.

serious sikit.

actually i just want to share about an important thing i’ve learned after getting married.

that, it is a period of lots of adjustments and adaptations.for you, your spouse, as well as everyone else around you.

in the beginning, i had a very unrealistic thought that EVERYONE will be supportive towards me, because I am the one who is in the hot seat facing such a big change in life, and I am THE ONLY ONE who is vulnerable to lots of emotional challenges in this early period of marriage. And worst, I thought everyone would be happy with whatever I do to let me sinks well into this married life.

But hey, people around me have feelings and emotions too!

They also have to go through the same adaptation process as I did.

My parents are used to having their daughter for themselves, always being there to go out shopping, eating and jalan-jalan together. We are used to watch TV together everynight and gossip about the show. I was always there when they need me to go to the nearby shop to buy halia and roti. I was always there when my mom needs to share her anger and frustrations over something, although all I did was just offering my ear and the same advise again and again, I know it meant a lot to her. I always sleep with my mom, asked my dad lots of (unnecessary) questions and a whole lots more other things that we do together.

And suddenly part or all of these, are robbed from them.

Of course, they are vulnerable too.

My siblings are not spared from this glitch too. After just merely a week of marriage, my brother has already said, “Angah sekarang dah lain” (Angah is a different person now).

It breaks my feeling when they say this kind of things or voicing up certain things that I shud and shudnt do. I was at the brink of saying, “For God sake, I’ve just got married. Leave my husband and me alone for a while so we can know each other well. Why are you guys so not understanding?”

But now I’ve realized, as much as I need time to become adapted with the new life, so do they.

All of their reactions and expressions are temporary. Time is a great healer.

Now we are all slowly, albeit not totally quietly, sliding towards our old selves again, with my husband slowly blending into the family merrily.

So just an advise to those who are getting married soon, don’t be angry to the people around you if they are not supportive  in the early period of your marriage. They are just learning about themselves as much s you are about yourselve.

It Does Not Matter

I’ve just arrived from australia 3 days ago. Alhamdulillah i had a safe journey though it was quite unexpected, with lots of waiting. Didnt know that the flight from sydney was meant to stop at brisbane first and we had to disembark and wait for an hour plus before the actual journey to malaysia. the 7 hour 45 minutes’s journey wasnt so bad, i guess that was the advantage of travelling long distance at night; you fall asleep easily and wake up finding yourself already in malaysia 🙂

the second unexpected thing was the ‘holiday’ in shah alam for 3 days. my sister had a court case in shah alam so she had one whole room in concorde hotel all for herself, so mom thought it’ll be good to ‘use’ that room optimally. she even had to leave earlier than us coz she had to run back to her office in ipoh so we were left in shah alam in the free concorde’s room. geez how good. i wish she’ll have outstations more often 😉

me and mom went out to the town. walking in the midst of people made me think about lots of things; the different faces, colour, race, height, gen der, age, a multitude of things. we are all DIFFERENT. cliche though it may sound, i’ve just realized that all this while i’ve taken this fact for granted. None of us are created the same be it look or attitude. we are all special in our own ways. I felt for the weather; it’s hot. it’s not the same as the weather in australia. i look at the people, malaysian people; we are small, no doubt about that. our skin is darker. our nose is flat. australian are taller, their skin is fairer and their nose is long. for a second i think i’ve become ungrateful, resenting God’s preference on one race more than another.

then a little girl walked pass me. she smiled. and suddenly it all came pouring like rain; hey, it does not matter!  it does not matter who you are, how you look, where you live, what you wear, you can always do something good! you can always make someone else smile, you can always brighten up someone’s day. Allah is Great, He is so Great He created us all different but He gives us all the same capacity; you may be tall and handsome or short and ugly but He does not discriminate upon what you can do or what you get out of the deeds that you do.

In fact the materials that we hold up high on our eyes is indeed useless in front of His eyes. Again, it does not matter. you can be world’s sexiest man or miss universe and you may still end up in hell when you die. you might be world’s ugliest man and may still end up in heaven. seriously it does not matter at all.

so i thought, so what if malaysian are short and dark and have flat nose? so what if the weather is not as nice as the weather in asutralia (however at this moment i prefer to be in humid and damp  malaysia than in australia with its  killing 40 degree celsius weather). It does not matter a cent.

Memori budak nakal 1

As part of our weekly gathering, I got the members of Durrah to each take turn to talk about oneself. just for fun. and so that we know more of each other. sort of an ongoing taaruf process. btw, taaruf does meant to be an ongoing thing; as much as u always discover soemthing new about yourself everyday,  so does the same thing applied to people around you, every single day is part of the taaruf process 😉

the way we did it (or actually, the way I decided how it should be, yes, i am bossy, and i am a bit of a dictator character, what to do?) was that we passed around a bag full of questions written on small pieces of paper and each person takes turn picking up one question and answering it.

When it got to my turn, the question says: ‘What were you like when you were a little kid?’

And suddenly all the memories came back pouring like rain. To start with, I was very naughty when i was young (i  am not anymore??). I told them about my ‘hutan-turn-paya adventure’ (jungle-turn-swamp adventure). One day, when i was about 7 or 8, i went with 2 of my ‘geng’ who were my neigbours, to a small river not far from our home. it was not far, but to get there, we had to make a detour around a small jungle, (or what we thought was a small jungle), so it made the actual journey a little longer than its keratan rentas (keratan rentas ape dah bahasa inggeris?). we played tehre until the sun almost set. then we realized that it will take a while to go back to our house if we take the detour. so we decided to avoid the detour cempletely and take the short cut through the ‘small jungle’.

so there went a boy and 2 girls through the jungle. intially it was ok, tehre werent as many trees and the path was quite clear. going deeper, suddenly there was water starting to appear from the ground of the jungle. being kids, we didnt thing much of it, it even made us more thrilled to surpass the jungle. we continued going eevn deeeper into the jungle. the water does not subside, instead it kept getting deeper and in no time i was standing in a pool of water up to my waist. then the geng leader, the boy who so far has done a good job leading us 2 girls ‘safely’ through the adventure, annouced that this place wasn’t jungle at all, it was, a swamp, which when we looked from our houses situated on top of a hill next to the jungle, it looks like a  jungle becasue it was fully covered by trees. there wasnt any water to be spotted.

we ahd a litte discussion wheter we shud just continue or should we turn back. we looked to the front and we looked to the back. it seems like to the front and to the back have equal distances, so we decided to continue to the front because we were late and going back will take too much time, it was already halfway anyway.we were quite wrong, we werent even halfway yet, cause the water kept rising, i started to panic once hte water level reached my chest, luckily that was the deepest it went to, then the level started to go down. owh i shud have mentioned we had to continuously remove pacat and lintah from each other’s back because there were so amny of them , and i already expected there were many more hanging all over my body, but at that time i didnt care anymore, i just wanted to get back home! soemwhere along the way a water snake cruised not far from us, and that, really pushed us to actually run in the water!

finally we got home, i sneaked through the back door so my mom wont notice me coming in all wet and drenched and quickly ran inside the toilet. I removed at least 10 pacats all together. i guess taht was the start when i lost all the fear towards pacat, dah handle banyak sangat dah.

syukur alhamdulillah nothing bad happened!


I believe if you want to lose weight, you must be persistent and persevere, if you want a short cut, it’s not going to work,  or it will last only temporarily. SO the strength should ideally come from your brain, not physical strength. And by physical strentgh i am referring to all the crazy things people do to lose weight ‘quickly’, like crash diet. I have a friend who stopped eating rice which she has been eating for the past 20 years of her life every single day, to ‘get rid of the excessive fat’ and once she has lose weight she’ll eat rice again, said she. The next time i checkd out again on her, she has started eating rice again, but i cudnt see any evidence of weight lost! A story i heard from a friend, but this time the outcome was briiliant, was that the friend of his only eat plain crackers everyday for couple of months! When he went out with friends, he just sat and watched they eat all the jubilant foods in front of him.
Good thing it worked for him, oh btw, he hit the gym every single day too, on top of the crackers diet.
But i wonder, once he has reached his goal, what will happen to him? Will he start eating pizza, burger, and what not again? And then if he gains weight again afterwards what is he gona do? Crash on crackers again? Until when?

To date, i have lost another kilo from the previous weight loss i mentioned, and i never skipped any meal or went on crash diet or did anything crazy. Yes, it was weeks and i just lost one kilo in that time, but let me remind you i started this weight lose trial with my BMI in the normal range, so thats why losing just one kilo is a triumph for me.and for me to lose a kilo cud easily equal to a 100 kg person losing 5k. Because the closer you get to where you want, the harder it is to reach it, and i am only 2 kilos away from my dream goal 🙂

Anyways, the point i want to say is, work smart, not hard! Losing weight is not easy, true, but its not too difficult either! Like what i’ve mentioned so many times before, and i will never feel tired to reiterate it again, watch out what’s going inside your mouth! That is the most powerful tool in losing weight. Let me list down what i’ve done on my daily food intake:
1) I changed from full cream milk to skim milk and this has tremendous effect because i drink lots of milk everyday.
2) Now i drink my coffee without any sugar at all!
3) I don’t eat chicken skin anymore
4) I tried to avoid fried foods as best as i could, i only eat them (nasi goreng, mee goreng, cucur, koewtiow goreng etc) only when served by others. I dont prepare them anymore for myself
5) I sustituted the fried foods (i used to bring fried foods like nasi goreng etc as my lunch when i went to hospital) with sandwiches, varieties of them.
6) I tried to substitute all the food i eat with hte low GI one, for example bread, i dont eat white bread anymore, but wholegrain or wholemeal bread.
7) I eat sweets and savouries very little now.
8) I tried to avoid cookingand eating dishes with santan too. I love to make my plate ‘banjir’ by taking lots of the soup, but now i only take it moderately, especially if it is santan based.
9) I eat kuih-muih moderately, and only when served by others, esp if i know its made using high amount of sugars and fat.
10) every once in a couple of weeks time, i will have ‘vegetarian lunch’ week where i only eat vegetarian food just for lunch throughout the week.

and i also hit the gym regularly and everytime i do that i tried my best to burn at least 400 calories.

and like i said, i never skipped any meal at all, and i only reduce the portion of food i eat slightly. and if you think i’m missing lots of joy in my life by leaving behind lots of ‘buoyant’ food, you are wrong! just because i left behind all the foods i used to eat it does not mean that i only eat ‘unsavoury’ and bleak food. infact i enjoy discovering a range of healthy food that is also friendly to my taste bud. Sometimes the difficult part is leaving what u used to eat, thats why crash diet often fail, because you still revert to the fatty and unhealthy food you eat once the diet is over.

so my advice is, in order to lose weight,  you must know why you gain weight at the first place and tackle that first instead of jumping into all sorts of crazy things when the actual biggest contributor of the weight gain is still there. good luck!




I have tremendous more to talk about food, but while there are a lot of them to be talked about, they are in disorganized manner in my head, so while i try to line them up properly, i’ll share my experience of trying to lose weight. Officially, i started my campaign of losing weight a month ago, so far i have lost 2.5 kg, so i am only 3 kg ahead of where i want to be.

Honestly, combat against food was the hardest part. When i was not thinking, soemtimes i just gobbled down food and keep on munching without even considering if my tummy is already full or not. And though i’ve promised myself i WILL NEVER EVER EAT unhealthy food, esp snacks like chocolates, chips,ice cream, fast food, i keep forgetting the promise i made and indulged in them in large amount.

So i have to rely a lot on EXERCISE.

So now is the story of my exercise journey, which is a very strong booster to the diet regime campaign.

I used to run about 10 km almost everyday when i was in school. SO weight has never been a problem to me back then. Then when i left school, i left with it my rigorous physical activities as well. No more running, and plus the new unhealthy style of eating, i gained more than 10 kg just in a couple of years time. At one time, i was very close to the overweight group, and this was frustrating. I tried to run again after stopping for quite a long time, and surprise surprise! i cudnt even run a km without stopping ang gasping for breath. This was so horrible. Then i started to think what have i done to myself in just a few years!

SO i struggled a lot. I started slow jog. And i started with a small distance first, one km, two km, three..i did this quite regularly everyday until i cudnt stand anymore the racism remarks from some stupid local australian ppl. Dont get me wrong, australians are nice, but i think, same with any place in the world, there are always few ppl who just have this problem of being racist twrds others, esp to a muslim like me. on the other hand, how often do u see a small woman wearing a hijab running around in your neighbourhood? I was attracting a serious and dangerous attention, so i turned towards the gym. The reason i didnt go there earlier was becuz it was expensive, but now i’m enjoying it very much. i can exercise freely without all the stupid remarks, plus i can count how far i’ve ran and how much calorie i’ve burned!
In the gym, the stroy was the same, at first i cud barely run more than 4 km before i’ve to stop. After becoming a regular customer to the gym, i can now proudly run 10 km again without stopping! And i burn about 500 calorie a day = about 2000 kj per day.

Now i feel a lot more energetic, though i haven’t got back to the state of stamina i was when i was in school, i could feel that i’m getting towards there.

So the idea is =
1) you have to be consistent, force yourself to exercise! For those who are trying to lose weight try your best to exercise everyday until u’ve reached the level u want or close to it, then u can cut it down to 3-4 times a week to maintain the weight. You cannot expect to lose weight if u only exercise once a week, whatsmore if u r not controlling ur food as well.
2) Make some improvement = yes, it’s tiring, sometimes u just don’t have the motivation to exercise  when u can only jog for mere 5 minutes while the guy next to you has jogged for an hour without stopping, but trust me, your stamina and strength WILL INCREASE as you do more of it.
3) Make a calorie target. Try to keep on exercising until you reach your target calorie. For me, i target to burn 400-500 calorie a day. Initially it took me mmore than an hour with more than one type of exercise (eg: running + cycling) before i can reach this target, but nowadays i can burn 500 calorie easily just by running and in less than one hour.

There are so many advantages of exercise:
1) Trims you down (obviously!)
2) Strengthen your body
3) Reduce your appetite
4) Makes you feel happy
5) Makes you think many times before you eat –> i’ll share a story of my own; Few days ago i was at the hospital, tired and fatigue after a long day. i was walking in front of a shop and i saw chocolate. As a normal relfex of me, i went inside, grabbed a large bar of chocolate, pay for it and left. Usuallu i wud have just gobbled it down at one go, but this time, i took some time to look at the back printing. I read: if i eat this whole bar of chocolate, i wud have consumed 824 kj! 824 kj!!!! Then i started thinking, to burn 824 kj or 200+ calorie will take almost half of what i burn in the gym, almost half an hour of vigorous exercise, and there i was, trying to destroy my strenuous effort with one bar of chocolate! I started feeling guilty and very bad about it, so i ate just a little bit of the chocolate and kept the rest to be eaten some other day.
Well, believe or not, that is a strong effect of exercise in my life. I mean, if u don’t exercise, u will never get the idea of how hard it is just to burn the amount of such a small food you eat.  When you start to exercise, and start to count and compare the kj you are taking in with kj you are taking out, you will realise how precious every single kj you burn.

i’ve got a lot more to share, but till then…



i am not done about food yet. as i said, food is THE key in losing weight, though exercise plays a great role too.

Now we’ve known how bad we can be with our selections of everyday food. The next thing to do after knowing this is of course, change your diet once and for all! OooOoo..does that mean no more nasi lemak? no more ice cream? is all i can have now is carrot and tomato?

of course not! i mean, if you want and CAN do it that way, than please proceed, but after dwelling in the unhealthy style of eating for years, is it really that easy to change?

tips into eating healthy:
-as i’ve mentioned earlier, all processed food will have the nutritional value posted on the packaging, so everytime you are going to buy a processd food, use your right as a customer to choose! Choose food that has low calories/kilojoules as well as amount of fat. For example, recently two of my housemates bought  a tube of ice cream each, so there are 2 tubes of ice cream in the house. they are of the same weight and volume. different flavour. different company. when we compared both of them, per serving, one of them offers a walloping 707 kilojoules while the other one only 312 kj, less than half than the other one. the reason behind this is because the one with lesser kj uses light cream instead of full cream milk. true, the former tastes better, but for half a kilojoule lesser, i wudn’t mind compromising taste just a little bit.

So please choose carefully! DOn’t just pick and pay. For the same food product, compare it between different suppliers and choose the one that offers the lowest calorie.

the same thing with all your favourite food, like to eat chocolates? no problem but do not eat 3 bars of mars a day! that is a 1000 calorie already! 4200  kilojoules!! choose a chocolate that has lesser calorie, i’m sure there’re lots of them in the market.

-next choose food with ‘substituted’ ingredient. choose skim milk over full cream milk. choose reduced fat food over non-reduced fat food. choose diet drink than non diet one. choose zero sugar drink than the ‘normal’ one. I used to look down and underestimate this issue. I always thought it is just an extravaganza created by the food companies to attract people into buying their products, but actually i am totally wrong! as far as i know, a zero sugar Coke has 0 calorie while a ‘normal’ Coke has 200-300 calorie! (btw, Coke tu Yahudi laknatullah punya, tak boleh minum, ini contoh saja)

skim milk has half less the calorie than the full cream milk. it does make a great different, trust me. so start thinking about what you are buying everytime you go shopping now.

-eat low GI food. GI stands for glycaemic index. The lower the GI the better.  Glycaemic index is a scale used to measure the rate of a certain food being metabolized by our body i.e. how fast the food get digested and taken by our body since it enters our stomach. actually it looks at how fast the level of sugar spikes after intake of food, but to make life much easier, i’ll try to put it in a way that makes sense and easy to undertsand: a low GI food means that the food is metabolized SLOWLY by our body, or in another word, it takes a while before the food gets fully crushed and fully absorbed. By this way, we feel full for a longer time and becomes hungry again only after a while. A high GI food, on the other hand, is digested pretty quickly so our stomach becomes empty again quickly and we become hungry again much quicker. so that’s why, we have to choose low GI food.

so you know what to do next: again, google comes into rescue!!! go and google ‘low GI food’ or simply ‘GI food’ or whatever with the word GI and food in there and check out which food has high GI and which has a low one. i’ve got a friend who substituted rice with WHITE bread as part of her diet regiment. At that time i didn’t know, so i didn’t say anything, but actually a white bread falls under medium GI level while long grain rice has low GI! if you really want to dump rice for bread than choose wholemeal/grainy bread cuz they have very low GI, but not white bread. now can you see why checking the GI level is important?

to be continued…



I think it shud be enough of me rumbling about my personal problem. But, btw, the reason of the previous rumblings about me justifying why i’ve never succeeded in reaching/keeping my ideal weight was meant to be a share of thoughts, in case you guys have the same problem, or actually do have the problem but never realised it.

So lets jump to where the money is. Is it really difficult to lose weight?

True. The question is rhetoric and i do not know the answer. But here i am, to share some tips and facts to lose some weights, based on what i’ve learned, gathered, and tried:

1. It’s mainly food though exercise helps.
Yes, against what we’ve all believed and i once also believed, the biggest contributor in losing weight is controlling food and not exercise!
Exercise plays a very important role in losing weight, the more you exercise, the greater the amount of weight you’ll lose, but life can be much much easier if you take control over what you put into your mouth.
Plus, just imagine, if you increase your exercise but then at the same time you also increase the amount of food you eat as you tell yourself, “because i exercise, therefore i can eat more” or “because i exercise, i become very tired and more hungry than usual so i shud eat more”, you are actually crumbling your effort into pieces.
Plus, how long can you force yourself into strict and extra harbour in exercise? My past experience taught me that once i pulled myself out from vigorous exercise, i put on weight again easily.

You might say ‘be consistent!’, but i’m telling you this:

Being consistently eating healthy food is much easier than being consistent in exercise.

So what is healthy food? What is unhealthy?

First and foremost, everyone of us has different calorie requirement per day. There are lots of websites that provide calorie counter service. Just Google ‘calorie counter’ and pick whichever site you like and count how much calorie intake is suitable for you based on your weight, height, physical activity etc. On average we need about 2000-3000 calorie per day.

So ideally, if you eat about 600-700 calorie per major meal, i.e. breakfast, lunch and dinner that will make up about 2000 calorie already. Then in between main meals, you can eat snacks, let say 200 calories per snack and you eat 3 snacks a day, that brings us to a total of 2600 calorie intake per day, and that is about the right amount of calorie we shud eat per day.

But do you know, a plate of nasi goreng or mee goreng can reach 600 calories! A glass of teh tarik 150 calorie . a galss of soft drink 250 calorie. 2 scoops ice cream can reach 400 calorie, a mars bar 300 calorie, a roti canai 300-400 calorie, nasi lemak (nasi only!) 400 calorie, nasi beriani 800 calorie, 1 set McDonald 900-1000 calorie and so on.

So your daily food intake can look like this:
Breakfast: Nasi lemak + teh tarik = 800 calorie
Lunch: 1 set McDonald = 1000 calorie
Dinner: nasi + ayam masak merah = 500 calorie
Snacks: ? coklat mars = 300 calorie + biskut = 400 calorie + potato chips = 300 calorie
total = 3300 calorie! that excluding drinks, desserts, and what not.

and mind you, this is just an approximation, according to a research, most fat people can consume up to 10 000 calorie per day! Per day! and also, the approximation above is on the assumption of ‘per serving’ or ‘per plate’, so if you usually eat more than a plate of nasi goreng/nasi lemak, or more than 2 scoops ice cream, or more than a glass of soft drink with every mcdonald meal you eat, then it probably best to just double up the total amount of the calorie.

And that is just the calorie, we haven’t really considered the fat in each of the food. 2 different food with the same calorie amount can have different amount and type of fat.

So this is the next step: After you have counted your ideal calorie requirement per day, google for food calorie counter and try to find the amount of calorie of your favorite food and make calculation of your usual daily intake. If you are like me, someone who gains weight easily, i’m telling you now, don’t be surpised if your usual calorie intake is way higher than what it shud be!

to be continued…



Before i start, i have to admit, i have been facing issue of losing weight all my life. I have never been fat or overweight, but at the same time, i never really felt that i am at my best weight. You get what i mean? Yes, i’m neither fat or thin, but i always hope all my life, if only i could lose 3 kilos, and it has always been a constant fight. I have been in fluctuant states all the time, you know, there was time i was as thin as a stick, and after a month or so i gained 5 kilos again, then lose weight again, then put on again. Constantly. I never knew why, except that i noticed that i lose weight easily everytime i put extra effort to exercise but easily put on again all the weight iv’e lost plus gaining some extra ones immediatley when i stopped exercising.

But this isn’t right, isn’t it? Not until now, i found the answer.

Number 1: I am a comfort and stress eater.
I only eat ‘what i like to eat’ food. And i also eat ‘as much as i like’, instead of eating ‘what i should eat’ and stopping when i’m full. Food has always been a great console to me. I enjoy food very much. And the food i enjoy ae all the sweet and savoury food: chocolates, soft drinks, potato chips, asian dishes with lots of santan, biscuits, fast food (<– evil! evil! evil!). And i cannot help but to eat them in a large amount because i feel good eating them i.e. i eat them because they are delicious, not because i’m hungry. That is what a comfort eater is.
At the same time, i am also a stress eater. You can be either one of two when facing stress: either you lose your appetite, or stretch it up to the ceiling. Unfortunately, i fall under the second category, when i feel down, food is one the earliest ‘consoling’ items that i look for. Not always deliberately, sometimes i just felt like there’s nothing else to do, so why not eat and forget the stress. It also need not to be a great source of stress for me to be eating like a pig (english proverb for those who know not), it can just be a tiring day at hospital that when i came back home and saw a box of chocolate on the dining table that i quickly grabbed and ate it without thinking of the calories and kilojoules. And that is a stress eater.

2. I don’t watch what i eat.
Even if you are a comfort and stress eater, it should be alright as long as you watch what you eat.
This is where calories and kilojoules come in.
Quick fact: 1 calorie = 4.2 kilojoules

All this while, i’ve never really cared about the calories and kilojoules of the food i eat. I’ve never bothered to check them though every food sold in the market, MUST have them printed as part of the food’s nutritional values at the back of the packaging. Though i’ve said earlier that i always eat in a large amount, it is not always the case all the time. (my ‘always’ can be different from your ‘always’ hey?) What i’m trying to point out form this confusing last line is, it is not really the ‘amount’ of food i eat that matters, but it is the ‘what’ i eat. To make it clearer, i am very sure you know the difference between a large bowl of vegetable salad and a large bowl of chocolates. And in my case, i always go for the high calorie food!

to be continued..


After trying so many things:- reading magazines and books, watching tv, browsing through internet, eating, berguling-guling on my bed, praying and praying and praying to Allah to make me sleep- and still failed, i resorted into writing, though i don’t really actually had anything specific to write about.

And i thought my insomnia only comes during examination period, which is reasonable, because in that period i use to drink cups and cups of coffee to make me stay alert a little bit longer than usual, though the price i have to pay is finding myself still wide and awake at 4 in the morning. And it is such a bad experience! Insomnia is cruel, i do not mind not being able to sleep, for as long as in the period of not being able to sleep i can make use of the time to do something useful such as studying than it shud be beneficial. But heaven no, when insomnia attacks, i am reduced into doing things that do not require focusing and thinking too much. Hence, memorising facts from the good old kumar and clark is an absolute no no. Even if i force myself, i will end up looking at the same line again and again for a good couple of hours before i can actually register anything into my head.

I have had up and downs in m cycle of insomnia too. Some nights it isn’t too bad, after rolling for about 20 times and keep on yelling silently into my own brain to sleep, the trick usually works. But some other nights are more ferocious. Once i wrote a complete script for a short drama in one whole night. Another night i swear i kept on staring at the ceiling the whole night until a housemate woke up for night prayer. Some other nights i left my bed to join my friends who woke up for sahur and pretended like i really woke up for that.

But again, those are the times when it were close to examinations, and the insomnia was induced by me myself. Strangely however, these incidents of insomnias now keep on appearing on nights when previously throughout the day i do not take even a drop of caffeine! And it is equally bad too, if not even worse than during examination period. I keep on thinking the reasons behind this, but i just cannot find a reasonable one. Is it because there is something that is worrying me? Maybe, now that it is so close to school being opened again, i shud be anxious and worry in facing the bigger challenges that await me. But i don’t really think about school, so how can it affect me so badly? (i don’t even want to think about school!!) So what can it be? Is there something buried in my inner semi-conscious mind that is wretching the whole system without resurfacing itself to the conscious mind? hermmm….

anyway, putting insomnia aside, i feel like rumblings about something else (see, this is the effect f insomnia, though i lost my ability to focus and think carefully, all sorts of things from stupid to absurd keep on rushing and gushing into my mind). I opened my cabinet in my room today and found my ‘treasure box’ which is actually a paper bag half torned already. I called it that way cause that is where i kept all my ‘secrets’ and ‘little things’ from the past, and these include all the cards i received from anyone. I read most of them and Oh My God they are so funny! There is one from An Nee in which at the end of the card it was written, “Yang berat kita pikul, yang ringan dia jinjingKita there refers to me and an nee while ‘dia‘ is apek for being so unhelpful always letting us girls carry all the heavy stuff while he carried all the small light stuff. That was when the three of us joint the national science quiz and had to travel quite far from school.

Another is from a senior boy in school who gave me a card for no other reason than to say hi! There are also lots and lots of cards from the juniors, which usually comes with very long letters! Then there are cards from friends whom today i can vaguely remember who they are anymore, but they do make me realize i have so many friends who care about me!

Nevertheless, there are also cards that made me feel guilty. Like the so many cards given to me by the same person but never had i replied even one of them. And also cards given to me by people which at that time i hated them so much i ridiculed whatever they wrote in the cards. But today, when i reread them again, they are so flowery and so sweet. I wonder how i cud be such a cruel person before. I made a mental note, if i can ever meet and talk to these people again, i want to apologize for being so pathetic and so childish. I do really enjoy reading your cards now and i don’t hate you guys anymore 🙂 i even pray to get more cards from you guys who are so sweet sending cards to me though i never treat you guys fairly as a friend.

Enough insomniac talking, i will try berguling again for a couple more times and hope that this time it’ll work. Please pray that my insomnia will go away.


There are lots of mosquitoes in Malaysia. A lot.


Friday: 8 hours drive from Young to Newcastle

Saturday: 12 hours drive from Newcastle to GoldCOast

Sunday: 8 hours flight from Australia to Malaysia + 2 hours drive from Kuala Lumpur to Ipoh.

exhausted. tired. flat. leper. penyek. Alhamdulillah selamat sampai. Allah is great.


Alhamdulillah, i pass the exam. bye bye third year, welcome 4th year.


Reading a fiction book while listening to P.Ramlee songs next to the large window with the sunshine splashing down generously, the blue sky stood majestically, and the birds chirping harmoniously. Heaven 🙂


exam has just ended. but my hope hasn’t. infact, my hope has now risen into a bigger, larger, enormous hope. rite. the exam was damn difficult. especially the MCQs (objective questions). mana diorg dapat soalan tu aku pon tak tau lah heh. they were stuff that were not in the lectures. yes, they were definitely based around what we’ve learned thorughout the semester, but the content was way too deep from what we’ve learned and better still, from what we’ve been thought. but who am i to grumble, who am i to complaint, and if i fail, who am i to go against the faculty? alas, i know, be it i fail or pass, it’s not up to the faculty to decide, it’s always up to Allah. i am not afraid of failing, it is just the thought of going through EVERYTHING again that makes me really feel that failing is gona be so painful. to go through all the lectures again, the tutes, the sexual counsellings (owh, actually that isn’t too bad!) and all the clinical placements, and of course, the long hours of studying, locking up myself in the library for hours to push and force all the informations into my head. i am not afraid of the embarrassment that (shud) comes along with a fail in the exam, it is just the suffocation in facing it all again that terrifies me. O Allah, i know You know better what is best for me, so i am gona leave it in Your Hand.

on the other hand, it is now officially holiday for me! wee……………but erm….i found it’s quite hard to start the holiday, if you know what i mean. i mean, after several months of arduous tenacious morning till nite of studying, how do you go back to a ‘normal’ life?. i am safe for today because all i did today was talking to my mom for a good couple of hours (of course, you always need your mum after every difficult exam paper, don’t you?). and i finished watching the movie that i watched half-way before, long before the exam, ‘mencari syurga’ in which ellie suriati acted as a ‘perempuan durjana’. my comment to that movie is: memang durjana sunggoh perempuan itu.

but at least i’ve already made some promises to myself. I promised that i will not let this holiday passes with nothingness, and insyaAllah this holiday i wana try to make a full use of it to purify the heart, try to find ways to be closer to the One. well, at least i’ve got a mission, it’s just that i haven’t planned the strategy how to achieve that yet.

i am also sooooo looking forward to go back home. i miss my mom half crazy already, if not because of the car’s rego, house’s rent and whatnot, i wud never stay in oz for long trying to find a job to help me settle all the payments. i already told my mom today the list of food that i wana eat once i’m back home. mom just laughed. she knows better how much i love the food she cooks. Owh my God! I want to be at home!!

this is a post exam, post stress post.


It’s getting closer to exam, and the more i ask from Allah to ease my path towards facing the big day, the more He sends me trials. And for these, i am so thankful 🙂 because they are the things that make me know Allah is very near and that He’s listening to my prayer.

first is my car @ zuhayr: he shud have been sent for service a week ago but i thought he cud wait till after exam. but i guess he got angry with me and decided to throw a tantrum, so the driver’s seat broke. it cudn’t lie straight anymore, but stays at 180 degree angle all the time. it causes me back pain driving without a back support (now i know how important a seat is to drive a car!) as well as to the leg which receives the weight from the unsupported back plus the energy required to control clutch, break and accelerator. So i decided zuhayr has to go to the ‘hospital’ for an emergency repair. but what i thought as a minor replacement of a malfunctional screw/pulley or whatever turned out to be an irreversible damage of the seat which requires a total replacement of the seat! wahlaa!!~~~ and for that, zuhayr has not been around with me for 3 days 😦 they have to find a seat to replace the damaged one and that took a while. and plus, it also is gona take my money as well. replacing a car’s seat is expensive! i won’t tell how much i’ve to pay for this seat but it surely is not cheap! tapi tak mengapa. i have to be responsible upon my belongings, esp one that i love so much like zuhayr.

second is my wisdom tooth: Orang degil memang selalu kena padan dengan muka. that is my face. 2 years ago i had my left wisdom tooth taken out via minor surgery. According to the dentist who was responsible to scavenge out my tooth, both my left and right wisdom teeth had to come out cuz they both did not have any chance whatsoever into growing normally because of insufficiency in space (geez, i always thoguht that i had a very big mouth), but said that he’ll do one at a time, so there goes my left tooth, be ause at that time it was the left one that was painful. he told me to come again the next year (now last year) to remove the other one. but last year i didn’t experient any pain at all so i thought the doctor must have been mistaken or was trying to take advantage on me to gain more income by removing an innocent tooth (boo—>su’uz zon sunggoh) so i left it as it was. and now, NOW when it is so close to the exam, the right tooth aches. but alhamdullilah, it isn’t too bad, nothing like what happened to the left one 2 years ago. i hope it will stay like that at least until after the exam. if the pain increases before exam, mampos aku nak tahan. 😦 but again, tak mengapa, apsti ada hikmah yang sgt besar. i guess i have to face embarassment and go see the dentist again end of this year to get the other tooth removed. a friedn of mine said a couple of days ago, ‘mungkin cuti ni ada rezeki yang tak disangka-sangka akan datang’. yes, i can see it coming already. muhuhu.

syukur, syukur, syukur. Like i said earlier, all these trials that come to me i feel grateful for them. It makes my reliance upon Allah grew stronger, and it makes me remember Him more often. Syukur Ya Allah. Mudahkanlah mujahadahku. Amin.

The old saying

Now i know the truthfulness in the old malay proverb:

lautan dalam usah diduga.

semalam telah menduga lautan. memang dalam sungguh.

Tarikh pulang

Kepada semua yang bertanya, when am i going home? I am going back on 21st of December insyaAllah. But for a very short holiday. i’ll be heading back to oz on 24th/25th jan insyaAllah. To all yang teringin bebenor nak berjumpa with me, we’ll see how it goes. hihihihi. no promise so far. To yang meminta-minta souvenir, insyaAllah akan diusahakan. Sekian.

The Skewed Thinking

Learning about sexuality in a kafir land is dangerous. Read again: dangerous. Especially if you do not have a good grasp on islamic teaching regarding this issue. Being naive on your own cultural issues on this matter (sexuality) does not do more than worsening the situation. ~Sigh~ Although i was sort of expecting it, it was still shocking to be in the lecture room hearing about why we should stop discrimination over gay people. Why? because it is a natural thing to happen. i.e. if you were born gay, you can’t help it but become a gay. And also all the other sexual things that should be ‘blended’ into the society, and shud be made normal topics of discussions in everyday life. Pening kepala aku heh. For the past couple of weeks, i’ve been tought that ‘they are all ok’. And my sexuality counselling tutor for one believes that religion is one of the barriers that makes sexuality issue hard to be dealt with. Let me just quote him a tad, “Nothing in this world should go against the natural human need (sex), not belief, not family, not God, not religion, or anything”. And because of this particular attitude of him, i did’nt get any chance at all to share of what my religion or my culture says about sex and sexual issues despite being the only one from a disparately different background. I was sort of hoping that i will get this opportunity to finally gets to talk about something that i know very well (well, relatively..)

but anyways, it is still a good lesson to be learned in the end. Now i know what their opinions are on this issue and how they deal with it. And nak tak nak, i have to elarn and practice sexual counselling the way they do, althoguh i strongly believe this technique (their’s) is very close to impossible to be practiced in malaysia. tapi belum cuba belum tahu 🙂

The best thing i enjoyed was when my video on sexual counselling was awarded ‘award winning’ standard by the tutor. And that was basically because i added strong emotional impacts in the act. I thought the usual couselling is always very mundane an boring, so i just added some flavours into my video. All credit surely goes to afiza, for acting very well. Kudos 🙂 ia juga tak lain dan tak bukan kerana aku sudah sangat rindu mahu berlakon setelah sekian lamanya tidak berlakon watak sedih begini..hahahhaha….hhiihihih…

Study till the end of life

With exams around the corner, with all the working problems that run unparelly with the time available, with the no-strategic strategy to overcome the insufficient time issue, the famous quote of the coming days would be:

Lama-lama macam ni aku boleh jadi gila

Berusaha, berdoa, bertawakal. Ya Allah selamatkanlah kami dari kegilaan ini.

Once in a while

I don’t usually write about politics, because politic always seems a distant thing to me. But lately, politic has become so ‘funny’ and ‘problematic’ that it occurs to me to be so ridiculous in the way it is handled that suddenly it becomes something interesting to look at.

Take this as a view from a very innocent person who before this has very little knowledge about politic and hence has not developed any biases towards any party nor any person. Not UMNO, not BN, not PAS or Dr.M or Anwar or what/whoever has connection with the thing called politic.

I’ve never really cared about it. As long as I got a place to live, a school to go to, electricity, water and good sewage system (yes, good sewage system is very crucial), i don’t really care if BN or PAS rules over the country. As long as i am happy.

But now i’ve changed my mind. Why? Because i am not happy anymore. yes i still have a place to call home, yes the electricity is still supplied, but amidst all these, i realize now that electricity, water and all are probably down in the list of things that make a peaceful country peaceful.

I think lately all politicians have gone mad. They always blame someone of something that they themselves then commit. I do not want to put up names, but what about a politician who demands another politician to step down from the party when few years back when he was demanded the same action, he refuted with all his might?

I also think politicians nowadays care about themselves more than they care about their country or responsibilities. Everyday we hear about politicians fighting over something, of which the thing they weer figtihng about has no ahrmful or beneficial effect except on themselves. And we don’t really hear about politicians coming up with new projects for the rakyat anymore, what we hear is incessant quarrel over petit issues and extreme fight to get higher posts in the party. Almost every week we hear about politicians competing to hold a post somewhere, but we don’t hear anymore about politicians coming up with ideas and projects to build the country. And sadly, it is always OTHER people who then help to carry on with all the projects. And after some times, these other people become bored of doing other people’s jobs when the name and recognition still go to these highly ranked politicians. And when they become tired and bored, they stood up.

And i strongly believe it is such a bullshit that we malay muslims fight amongst us via a growing number of political parties while all the non muslims subtly gather and unite under one voice. I cannot tolerate at all politicians who fought for their ‘dignities and honours’ with what ever way, even if it means to lose their own country. Why can’t we just put aside our own personal inetrest and instead look at the interest of the country? Why can’t we just forget the old bitter memories and let the past be past and work for a better rakyat’s future instead? What i saw is, muslim malay politicians are divided only because of a thing that has happened ten years ago which actually involed one single person! One single person! And the whole muslim populations are divided, torn and cannot work together, always bickering, always accusing each other with wrong doings and…never care about rakyat. “Biar rakyat tergadai, asal maruah pemimpin terjaga’. Is this what us muslims are told and tought by the prophet saw? I thought it is always rakyat’s interest first, not the pemimpin’s.

But that is exactly what is happening to malaysia’s politic. It is always personal interest ahead of the country’s interest. And rakyat cannot say anything, because the pemimpin is always right. right? And if rakyat cannot say anything, what else can we do than to gather quietly and plan secretly on how to take over the country from these self-concerned people?


1) So that i can just type/google stuff i don’t know, especially all the definition bits. dyspareunia? hemosiderin? lock in syndrome? post-partum? one single click and wallaa!! without witch studying is a bit daunting and challenging.

2) so that when i am tired/can’t focus anymore/bored/curious i can always take a break and look at other non medic stuff online given that the computer has internet connection and the connection is good.

3) i can always buzz and say hello to all my friends. if they are in my ym list.

4) i can print my notes anytime i want. if there’s sufficient fund in my student card.


Have you ever experienced the so called not nice experience ‘kena tindih’?. It is when your whole body cannot move at all temporarily, and usually occurs right before you sleep or right after you wake up. I remembered my many experiences of kena tindih and asked people if they know the explanation. With the help of technology, me and friends found this article:

“aku baca segmen pengalaman menyeramkan dalam book and readings, byk sgt orang dok citer pasal pengalaman kena tindih ni…….betulker kena tindih disebabkan gangguan makhluk seperti jin atau hantu?

Orang ramai describe kena tindih seperti takleh gerakkan seluruh badan, hujung jari, terasa berat kat dada…nampak mender2 pelik2 (hantu, makhluk hitam dan sebagainyer)…..

kalau aku tanya sini, mesti ramai jawab pernah kena….aku pun jujur pernah ader pengalaman kena ‘tindih’ ni masa skolah menengah dulu…aderla dalam 3-4 kali jugak…masa tu aku sedar…boleh bukak mata separuh…..aku tau aku sedar…tapi takleh gerak…kadang2 geram, sbb takleh gerak…..pastu 5 minit baru leh gerak….aku dulu pun takut…mmg ingat kena hempap dah…lps boleh gerak tu seram sejuk jer…

tapi, setelah aku masuk U belajar pasal tubuh badan manusia…..barula aku tau kebenaran dia…. :banghead:

ni aku nak citer sket pasal fenomena hempap/tindih atau nama medical nyer ‘sleep paralysis’

Sleep paralysis atau dimelayukan ‘lumpuh waktu tidur’…adalah condition yang terdiri daripada of course la paralysis (lumpuh) yang temporary (sementara)…..

temporary paralysis ni selalu berlaku bila time2 nak tido (hypnagogic paralysis) atau baru2 bangun dari tido (hypnopompic paralysis)

ok, normal badan manusia bila tido, bila masuk stage tidur yang nyenyak atau REM (rapid eye movement…..waktu nyenyak ni, bijik mata kiter gerak2) stage….otak akan bagitau badan kita suruh rehat…so, badan kiter kira macam switch off kejap….REM atonia (tader muscle tone)……

ok, otak kiter pun ader switch off button….dipanggil reticular activating system RAS……bila otak dah switch off badan, dia pun auto switch off RAS ni…so tinggal automatic function (degupan jantung, bernafas etc.) jer yang on….kirenyer screensaver laaa or hibernate…

so,, bila kita bangun, RAS switched on balik……kita sedar fully awake state….tapi kadang2, electrical signal tak diactivate kan oleh otak suh switch on balik badan kiter…. maka masa tu laa badan kita lumpuh seketika…before otak activate balik….mmg menakutkan tapi benar….

tapi paralysis tu tak semestinyer complete atau full..kadang2 partial atau sebahagian jer…tu ader yang boleh gerakkan ibu jari, tp badan lain lumpuh etc….

dan lagi satu, sleep paralysis ni selalu jugak datang skali dengan hallucinations (halusinasi la) either dalam bentuk auditory (dengar bunyi pelik2), visual (nampak mender bukan2) atau tactile (deria sentuhan, terasa mender sentuh/hempap dll..)

sebab2 atau mender2 yang boleh mentrigger sleep paralysis:

1. tidor dalam posisi terlentang terlalu lama
2. jadual tidur yang tak tentu arah (irregular sleep clock)
3. sleep/rest deprivation (tak cukup tidor la ni…penat sgt)
4. stress yang byk kat otak…masalah keluarga, kewangan bla2
5. pertukaran gaya hidup secara tiba2 ( macam biasa dok rumah jer, tetiba esok gi panjat gunung, kayuh beskal….heheh extreme sgt contoh aku ni)
6. orang yang ader penyakit narcolepsy

setiap orang average akan kena at least 2 kali seumur hidup nyer….sekian dari aku”

am not sure the source of this arrticle, and mind me, this article is taken from somebody’s page who quoted this from somebody else’s too. But it sounds logical to me. It explains why i got it so often back in school, cuz my sleep cycle has never been stabled back then (i always stayed up till late chit chatting with friends), whereas it is now more regular. Nevertheless, i do still get it every once in a while, and as far as i remember, it did happen only when i was too tired/lacking sleep. And yes, i do get auditory and visual hallucinations when it occurs.

but then again, i am still opening my mind. I am hoping to listen to more opinions of why it happens, and this includes opinions that say it occurs due to disturbance from ‘makhluk ghaib’. Simply because i believe they exist, i.e jin and syaitan and i would like to know: if this phenomena do happen because of makhluk ghaib, why and how?

it is just a personal ineterest, that’s all. 🙂


I’m in the library at the moment. Tried to study but to no avail. It is one of the moments where the force to write overwhelms other intentions. And so i write.

Today is the last day of ramadhan. And how do i feel? I want to be frank, so let me be. Until today, i still have problem with arranging my priorities. I know there shudn’t be any compromise as to put religion on top of everything else, but deep inside i am struggling very hard not to put study over religion. I know that it means iam putting wordly material ahead of Allah. And i know that is so wrong. And i also know it does show how weak my reliance upon Allah is. But then again who am i to deny the fear and anxiety of failing exam? who am i to be so sure i can cover everything before the big day (exam) comes? No, i am not that strong.

And that was exactly the battle i went through this ramadhan. sometimes it just made my heart shatters. if i got all the time, i really want to spend all of them getting closer to Al-Quran. all i really want to do is read the tafsir and memorize the surahs. but on this very last day or ramadhan i realize that i’ve done that very little and have studied much much more than reading Quran.

Ya Allah, forgive me and give me another chance to meet the next ramadhan. and hopefully, hopefully i will win that time. Menangis lagi untuk ramadhan ini.


I’ve banned myself from accessing friendster for at least one week. But i ended viewing other sites for about as much the same time i would spend on friendster. shisshhhh. it does show that it is not friendster that is the problem. it’s me! ya Allah forgive me on this.


When everybody gives, everybody gets. When everybody wants to be given, nobody gets. Simple and yet we find it hard.


two days ago, which was the third day or ramadhan, i managed to torn one or maybe more of my ligaments on my ankle. When i told the first friend that i saw right after dashing off from the uni’s health centre about my newly diagnosed condition she said, “baguslah, kifarah dosa siket”.


The ligamentous injury was actually not a new thing. It has been recurring since couple years ago, i.e. since i was still in school, especially during the long training of cross country. Every now and then i would get this sharp pain on my left ankle, but it usually resolved after just one day. But this time, after i ran very fast like a mad person in the rain trying to reach my car which was parked very far from where i was, the pain just didn’t go. ANd after waiting for two days, i decided that it was not getting any better and i really shud see a doctor. ANd sure enough, the doctor after listening to my long history of recurring pain said that it was very likely that i’ve damaged one or more of the ligaments. But he also adviced that it should just be left for the time being to heal on its own and only be reviewed again later if it recurs again or if this pain persists for more than a week.

the thing that worries me is not the ligament injury alone, but the deterioration that i see is happening to my body. I have reached the age, where everything now is just starting to dwindle and fall apart instead of growing and getting stronger. Yes i am just 22, is still young and at one look is still healthy and probably at the peak of my greatest physical condition. But deep inside i know that everything is slowing down. That i know it is not that far before my bone starts to be reabsorbed more than they are deposited. That i know, like this injury i’ve just suffered, more and more parts of my body are just waiting to snap and break away. I know it is not long before i start to loose the taut skin and the stout muscles.

man, there is really not much time left. People say that youth is up to when you’re 40, but you know that your body stops from being at it’s greatest stage long before you reach 40.

My point is, yours and my young, healthy and energetic days are numbered. Do not waste our lives such that one day when we wake up and suffer from a fracture due to a fall, then only we want to admit that we are not that young, healthy person anymore. Instead, while we are still at that stage, why don’t we maximize our times, especially using it to perform ibadahs, which when we are old and sick we will not be able to do them as aggressively anymore. I am telling myself before everybody else, that i am getting older and there’s not much health and time left to fulfil the objectives of why i am living on this world. Wallahua’lam.


LAst week we had a very interesting talk while doing the diabetes week. The talk i am referring to is about behavioral change, which is one of the biggest challenges for a diabetic patient. How do you make someone, who has never exercised for the past 20 years to start to exercise and lose weight? How do you force someone to put a strain on his/her food intake after enjoying unrestrictable food consumption for all of his/her life? The answer is, it is not easy at all.

However, i do not wish to elaborate more on that, yes, it is interesting, perhaps i will talk about it later i.e. about how to change a life long permanent behavior, but what is more interesting is the continuation from that point. The lecturer continues, although it is difficult and in some circumstances may even seem impossible, people WILL change their behaviors if it gives them REWARD.

The point for us medical students is to be creative when we want to try making a patient to change his/her poor behavior to a good one, but i’m thinking of something further than that. It is a human nature to do something that gives us reward in return. You eat, and the rewards are delicious sensation in your mouth and a full tummy. You sleep and the reward is you recharge your energy after a long tiring day. You watch tv, and the reward is fun and enjoyment. You study, because the reward is passing exams. You exercise, because the reward is health and narrow waist line. The point is, you do something for a reward! Be it small or big reward, nobody does something that has no consequence, or worse, for something that only catch you in trouble.

But if you notice, all of the examples i’ve mentioned are wordly rewards, right? Food, sleep, passing exam, good health are all world materials. Which you can see, and you can grab while you are living on this world. But how many people, dare to go out and do something witch the reward only will be given later in akhirah? do you dare? and still, how many people go out to do something to claim the rewards in afterlife, but in doing so, are forced to face all sorts of trouble and hardship in this world? how many? are you one of them?

To all brothers and sisters, let us purify our hearts. Let us clear our intentions. Although we lose our time, money, and happiness on this path, we should be steadfast. The reward is much much much greater THERE than HERE.



While doing third year, apart from the usual chapter to chapter of many diseases style of learning, we are also expected to undergo a palliative care training program. In this, we are divided into small groups of 3 whereupon each group is to visit one patient with a terminal illness and has been supervised by the palliative care team.

My group is assigned to an 88 year old man diagnosed with progressive mesothelioma. He was initially expected not no live pass January, but with Allah’s will (although the patient himself and my other groupmates might not agree with that), he still lives and breaths till this very word is typed.

On our third visit, we, as part of the requirement of the training program, asked this gentleman questions regarding psychospiritual issues. The question that really stroked me was the question on whether he believe on the afterlife. His answer was that he does not, and never has, believed in the afterlife. He believes that once he and everyone dies, we will just all diminish, become part of the air and earth and nothing else. He does not believe in a day where we will all be resurrected and questioned in front of God. He does not believe in heaven and hell. He does not even believe in the existence of God, to ever begin with.

However, on another question, on how he feels that his days are numbered and he could die anytime, he said that he is not afraid of death. He, and his wife, view death as just another part, or stage of life, taht everybody goes through, and is not something remarkable or horrible that we should be afraid of. To them, life and death are just stages that everybody goes through.

Not trying to discriminate other people’s beliefs against what i believe, in fact i respect his endurance and sturdiness in facing this time of his life, in which i would think, in other people might have triggered strong emotional stir up. Never have i in my life, met a person who is so calm in facing death. I also wonder where he got such calmness, considering that he does not believe in God and afterlife, which in many people taht i know or have read about, belief and reliance on God, no matter in what religion, is the strongest motivation to make them ready to face death. But i guess it is not illogical altogether; because he does not believe that his good and bad deeds will be weighed and determine whether he goes to heaven or hell, he has no worry upon that. Because he believes that he will be reduced to nothing, he does not feel there is a need to worry about anything. Probably that is why he is so calm.

The reason why i am writing this down here is 1)for myself to reflect of what i’ve seen and heard and 2) to share this different perspective of death with other people.

i realize now that thoughts about afterlife, give immense influences on our condition facing death.

…i hope i will be like him too when i am on my death bed, calm and not afraid of death, but not for the same reason as he holds i.e. not believing on resurrection day, but because i know Allah loves me. Amin.


learning about eyes has really put me into awe. it really snaps me into realising the power of Allah. He is so greatful in that He could create such a tiny little organ in comparison to the bigger viscerals like heart, lung or liver and yet could have such a complexity and even greater function! MasyaAllah, it really reminds me of the story of an abid whose life was fulfilled with ibadah and good doings, and Allah grants him into the jannah. Allah announces to him, “With My blessing and gratitude, you may enter the jannah”, but the abid suddenly replies that he does not want to enter the jannah because of Allah’s blessings,but he wants to get into jannah because of the ibadah and good deeds he has done in his lifetime. Therefore, Allah weighs all his actions, only to surprise the abid that all his ibadah do not come close into buying even one side of his eyes into the jannah.

The main thing that we learn from this story is that no matter how hard we strive in this world, in the end, the only one thing that will ensure our place in jannah is Allah’s blessing. Therefore, in whatever we do, we should point our intention into getting His blessing and rahmah. However, the other lesson gained from this story would be of the value of an eye. Why is it that years of good deeds not able to place even one eye into the jannah? When i do ophthalmology block, i could see the reason. Although tiny it is, it has such a fine and delicate structure. It took me 2 days just to get the basic understanding of the basic structure and function of the eye. And so, i do not want to attempt to explain it all again here as it might take another 2 of my days just trying to do that, but suffice to say, our precious ability to see, is not as simple as light entering into our eye and intepreted as an image by our brain, but it involves a sequence of processes before our mind could eventually ‘see’ images. And a single mistake occurring in one of these processes, or a small defect in one of the even tinier and more remote structures of the eye could manifest into an eye problem, and that really explains the whole lots of different problems that can occur with our eyes.

Nevertheless, all of these processes are essential into giving us the ability to see. And because of this reason, that i think we are not able to pay back to Allah, the price of an eye, even if we spend the whole of our lives performing good deeds, and even if we are given second or third or fourth lives that we again fulfil with good deeds, we still will not gather enough to pay back to Him the price of an eye.

Rabbana ma khalaqta haza batila. Subahanaka fakina a’zabannar. Amin.


There are times, when i just sat and thought, what do i want from my life? Good look, wealth, name, position, a happy family, status, tranquility. Yes, tehy are all good things, which if i got on hold of them, Alhamdulillah, are blessings from Him which would make my life more vibrant and meaningful (maybe). But they all will not last. And most importantly, they will not follow me back when i am on the way to be returned to Allah i.e. when the time comes for me to die, neither will they have any beneficial effect on me on the day of judgement (unless i manipulate them on the name of the Deen). But no, more or less they will be left behind as unworthy worldly things that come and stop by for few moments in the chapters of my life.

As i thought of all these, it is becoming clearer to me that there’s no point for me trying to gather as many wordly materials as possible and in order to achieve that i sacrifice the place and time where i will be for an eternity: the akhirah. I will strive for the world, yes, insyaAllah, but i wish, and i pray, that i will put akhirah in front of the world. That i will also remember, and always remember that i will be staying and living at the akhirah much-much-longer than the length of time i’m staying on this world.

I pray to Allah, to always grant me iman and taqwa, as without those two, i am nothing but a grain of sand by the seashore or worst, a bubble on the sea. Wallahua`lam.

currently heavily attached to this song:
Merah Saga - Shoutul Harakah

5 Responses to “Life”

  1. 1 Jane Goody April 22, 2009 at 7:06 am

    I read your posts for a long time and should tell you that your posts are always valuable to readers.

  2. 2 nur_quds September 13, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    i read ur posts for a long time too..
    without knowing who you are..
    surprisingly u r just in front of me..haha

    what a small world!

  3. 4 nur_quds September 18, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    this is iwa laa~~
    blog akak de kt reading list blog sy~~
    wut a impressive writing~~
    lame2 bc..macam knal je ngan writer nyer..hoho

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